You Won't Find This
by berryfuls
Summary: Post-TMFTOS. Olivia starts a diary that doesn't help her forget Peter, Astrid learns the truth, and they all need each other. Most of all, they need Peter, who is gone. P/O towards the end.


**A/N: Heyyy! This was written to celebrate Fringe reaching 1000 fanfictions :) We've reached a FANtastic milestone, lol. This takes place a little after "The Man From The Other Side." The first third or so is Olivia's "diary" and then the rest is like normal. The song isn't exactly fitting, I kind of thought along the lines of "Peter can have just about whoever he wants, but when he left, it would never be Olivia. And now he won't find the little black book...**

* * *

_You can hold any girl that you like_  
_Fall in love when it's easy at night_  
_But you wake up wondering why_  
_She ain't ever something better_

_When you're lost and you've run out of road_  
_Find what I already know_  
_In the end close is all there is_  
_But you won't find this_  
_No, you won't find this_

_-You Won't Find This, Carrie Underwood_

* * *

Someone being gone may simply be a state of mind.

They might be gone, out of your heart. Then you miss that person for a while and then its over. They leave a scar on your heart, but you forget about once the pain subsides and it heals through. But the scar is still _there_.

Then there's the kind of gone where you've just come to expect that person to be there and when they leave without saying anything, a huge part of you leaves with them. It tears at you for the rest of your life. It can only change if that same person comes back, makes up for being gone by being there again.

I think I may be going through both kinds of gone. And it's the same person.

I hate to say this, but Walter has been taking Peter's absence a lot better than I have. He's used to not having Peter. He didn't have Peter for seventeen years. It was evident that he was in pain, but he's accepted that he was in pain. Which a lot more than anything I've done so far.

Peter has been gone for little over two days. No phone calls, no e-mails, no letters. Everything that belonged to Peter was still at the Bishops' house, even most of his clothes. He wasn't coming back for any of it either. Walter has taken to wearing Peter's jackets whenever he has to go over to the lab, something I'm secretly envying him for. It most be so much easier to be able to have something of Peter's to help remind that he was here at one time.

I'm currently at the lab too, while Walter and Astrid are taking care of Gene. They've been keeping themselves busy; I've been trying to write everything down so it's out of my head. Something that hasn't been working as effectively as I would have thought, but it does help. Somewhat.

Whenever I look over at Walter and he glances back, we know that we're both thinking of him. It's so hard not to though. And we haven't even told Astrid why he's gone. All she knows is that he left, just like the millions of times he has before.

That is exactly what's keeping me from worrying about him – I know he's going to be okay. He's made it on his own before thousands of times before and he'll be fine now. It still didn't take away the sting of him not even saying goodbye.

"Astro…" Walter starts over-casually, leaning back on the wall of Gene's stall. Astrid gives him a glare of annoyance – how many times has she said her name is Astrid?

"Yes, Walter?" she asks, putting the brushes back in the basket and standing up to look him in the eye.

"Can you go down to the campus store for me… and get a couple toothbrushes? I think I accidentally left Gene's in her stall last time I brushed her teeth, as all I found of it was… this." I glance up to see Walter hold up a gnawed-on piece of red plastic with some blue bristles still courageously holding on. Astrid sighs loudly and they leave the little stall. Gene butts Walter's back with her head gently, as if trying to tell him that he has a friend in her. He pats her shoulder and locks the gate back.

Astrid is already grabbing her purse from inside the little office, telling Walter to stay out of any of the drugs and medications. She honestly sounds like a new Peter. But then she glances at me, and whispers, "He's coming back, 'Livia. Have some faith." I give her a half smile and nod. It's enough to have her smile back and walk hurriedly out the door to the lab.

Walter watches her leave, waits until the door is closed, walks quickly over, and sits beside me on the couch. He doesn't meet my eyes, instead just watches this little leather book as I scribble this down. He doesn't know what I'm writing, but I have a feeling he knows. It must be the Bishop sixth sense – both of them always seem to know whenever something's wrong.

XxX

Astrid is back. I had to stop writing for a little bit, because Walter started talking. And he said something quite interesting; it's helped me calm down a little.

"Olivia, I'm so, so sorry about all this… I know, it's my fault, but I assure you… Everything is going to be fine. Eventually. I've learned something about Peter… He has a strange way of coming back." He reached over and touched this book, feeling the textured cover. Then he looked up at me.

I closed my eyes and leaned back on the little couch. "Walter, we have to tell Astrid. I can't stand her not knowing and you know she will help get all of us through this." When I opened my eyes again, he looked like he was about to protest, but I cut him off. "Not telling Peter was how we got in this mess. If we can't trust Astrid, we can't trust anyone." This time, Walter didn't say anything, but he reached over and held my hand.

"I know. I've been meaning to tell her too, I just…can't…" He looked like he wanted to start crying, but I gripped his hand firmly. "Peter helps me through things like this. She won't understand if-if Peter isn't here to help me!"

I couldn't help it – I had to reach over and give Walter a hug. He looked so vulnerable, so scared and weak; he truly didn't know what to do. When I let him go and pulled back, he smiled a really big smile. He really needed a hug from someone who understands, and I may be the only person right now who did and does understand. I took his hand again. "I can help you through this Walter. But you really are getting better at clarifying – you made perfect sense when you explained this to me." A gentle smile tugged at the corner of my lips.

He took a shaking breath. "Before he found out about where he was from, I believed that he was going to start liking you, and he would open up to me about it. After so long without having a son, someone to talk to about things like that, I thought we could make up for lost time. But whenever I brought it up, he just laughed." He hesitated. "I was under the impression that you two were going to get married and you'd someday call me dad. If you could ever forgive me for what I did to you as a child that is…"

Astrid had come back right about then, carrying a little brown bag and saving me from a very awkward conversation I didn't want to have quite yet. The truth was I didn't know how I felt about Peter quite yet. And his being gone wasn't making things anymore clear.

I have to stop writing now, Walter's about to tell Astrid about Peter. We'll see if she really thinks he's coming back…

XxX

I'm back at my apartment now, but I'm not going to be here for that much longer tonight. After Walter explained about Peter to Astrid, we decided that we shouldn't be separated now. It was decided because there wasn't anyone to watch after Walter, who needed looking after, and neither Astrid nor I wanted to take on that task alone. That was when Walter held up a record he had been looking for and suggested, rather loudly, of a "slumber party." It was a pretty good idea, too, since none of us wanted to be on our own quite yet. We were referring to it as a slumber party for lack of a better word.

So I had packed up a small overnight bag, grabbed a couple DVDs that I thought Walter might like, and sat down to write a little bit. I wouldn't have that much time to write much more tonight, so I would have to get down as much as I could in fifteen minutes.

Astrid took it surprisingly well, since, according to her, she had already guessed at it. That there had been a time, about three months ago, when Walter had said "I can't let Peter die again." Even Walter himself admitted that it had been a pretty bad slip. Still, at the moment we were probably the closest friends we had that weren't dead or MIA, so it was for the best that we decided this.

I think I'm going to head over a little early. There's no need to keep Astrid babysitting Walter any longer than absolutely necessary.

(AND THE DIARY CLOSES)

Olivia Dunham looked at the little black book in her hands and saw exactly that – a little black book. It wasn't going to bring Peter back, and it wasn't going to make any of this simpler. It was just a little black book. She threw it on the counter, feeling stupid for even listening to Sam's advice.

The strange thing was that he was always right. He had been right about the headaches, right about the "You're gonna be fine" thing, he was right about me not being all that settled down. So why isn't he right now? Because she wasn't letting him just be right. She was still fighting him and the insane things he was telling her to do. He was going to be wrong, whether he liked it or not.

But just as she was leaving the house, the phone rang. Putting her things by the door, she answered the receiver beside the couch. "Hello?"

"Hey 'Liv." It was Rachel. "Can you do me a huge favor?"

XxX

She knocked on the door softly, adjusting the strap of her bag on her shoulder. Astrid opened the door, smiling broadly. "For a second, I thought you weren't going to show up," the Junior Agent said, and then noticed little girl holding onto her aunt's hand. "Ella!"

The little assembly proceeded to the living room, where Walter's face lit up when he saw Ella. "Come, come!" he said in a playful voice, inviting them around the Game of Life board set up on the floor. Walter decided to be the red car, Astrid got the blue one, Ella picked the orange one, and Olivia chose the green one.

The game went on very interestingly: Olivia was the only person who went to college, and ended up with the doctor career paying a hundred thousand every pay day living in the "tudor" house. Walter was a salesperson, got sixty thousand as salary, and lived in the house split in half by the earthquake. Astrid got the worst pay of twenty thousand being a computer consultant, but she lived in the rainy beach house. Ella had a pretty good job as a police officer that got paid ninety thousand and lived in the beautiful pink princess Victorian.

Olivia and Astrid retired to the Countryside Acres, so neither of them could win nor lose. That left Walter and Ella to battle it out for the win, but she ended up winning by two thousand.

"You would be an excellent accountant, young miss!" he exclaimed, giving the eight-year-old a hearty wink. She laughed and threw the little stack of colored money at him, showering him in a papery rainbow. Olivia and Astrid just sat back and watched, highly amused.

The strange thing was, despite the cheerful atmosphere and laughter, something was missing. Or someone, more like. Even after Walter put on one of his favorite records, a fast, bouncy that sounded like Elvis, and started dancing with Ella, who didn't seem to notice the absence.

They danced for a while. Astrid and Olivia eventually went out into the kitchen to make something for a late dinner, but they found that everything would either take a long time to make, poison them all, or was pudding. So they settled on trying to find the takeout menus. After some almost heated discussion, the four decided on two small pizzas, one cheese and one pepperoni. Walter was a little upset that he was overruled when he wanted pineapple with cucumbers, but calmed down once we started to pick a movie.

Maybe an even stranger thing was that Olivia was finally having the sleepover she never had as a kid. Albeit a very weird sleepover, if it could even be considered that, but it still counted for something.

About a quarter-ways through the movie, the delivery guy showed up. But before anyone could pay, Walter jumped up and started lecturing the guy about his bad posture and terrible haircut.

"No, no, no! I refuse to accept any deliver of any kind from a meathead that slouches so much! And what on earth are you doing with your hair!? Trying to make it stand straight up?!" Astrid got up and touched Walter's arm in warning.

The guy rolled his eyes. "It's called a Mohawk. Old man."

"Yes, yes I am an old man! I'm an old man with a decent haircut!"

"Walter," Astrid said in a low voice, pulling him gently back from the door. "Sorry about him. He has a funny way of saying hello." She smiled and paid him, making sure to give him a pretty good tip.

They ate and watched the movie, something called Monsters Inc., chosen by Walter and Ella. Olivia was starting to think they were going to be best friends. But as it got later – almost eleven o'clock when the movie was over – and the lights started getting turned off, one by one they started falling asleep. Walter was first, then Astrid, then Ella, leaving Olivia to turn on the local news and the timer on the TV to turn off in an hour.

Ella was snuggled up against Olivia, and they were sharing one of the big quilted blankets. Rachel had been quite surprised and a little suspicious when Olivia had said that she was spending the night at the Bishops', but calmed down after she explained that Peter was missed and Walter needed some company. She insisted that she find Ella another babysitter, but Olivia said that it would probably be better for another someone to be there for Walter. Plus, Ella loved board games, music, and movies – just like Walter. It seemed obvious that they would be fast friends.

Walter and Astrid had pulled the ottoman closer to the couch and stretched out with separate quilts. They were just friends after all. Olivia and Ella were curled up on the loveseat like they had fallen asleep so long ago, back at the apartment.

Olivia tried to fall asleep, but couldn't shake the feeling that someone was watching her. She pulled Ella closer to her and the blanket tighter around them. Finally, after about fifteen minutes of being paranoid, she got up slowly, making sure she didn't wake Ella, and walked lightly over to the stairs. There was definitely the sound of someone going up the stairs without bothering to try and be quiet about it.

She glanced back in the living room. The other three were still there, so they had to have been another person in this house. She regretted not bringing her gun now. Cautiously, she went up the stairs, silently, until she reached the landing and could barely make out someone trying to silently open a door. The person had to know she was there; they had to have heard her breathing.

It still surprised her, though, when the person suddenly grabbed her arm and pushed her into the room, closing the door behind them, all in one deathly quiet move.

The lights flicked on.

It took her a couple seconds for her eyes to adjust to the bright light, but it was completely worth it once they did. It was Peter. She didn't register the look on his face or anything. She blindly caught him in a bear hug, so glad he was actually there. The smell of him hung on his clothes, to this room-

He pushed her back. His eyes were narrowed and he wasn't smiling. "You knew. You had to have known, 'Livia."

She bowed her head and nodded once. Then she looked back at him almost helplessly. "You wouldn't have believed me, though. Admit it, you wouldn't have." She paused for a second. "Walter told me that you told him, back in the hospital, that you knew. But you didn't tell me. You didn't even look mad at me!"

He grabbed her wrists violently. "I wasn't then because I hadn't thought about it. I didn't think you knew. But you did. You do know. And you never once thought about telling me."

"That's a lie," she whispered, not even trying to fight back anymore. He wouldn't hurt her, because he couldn't. "I wanted to tell you. I started to, on multiple occasions. But something always came up that was more important at the time."

"When did you first see it?"

"It?"

"The glimmer."

She took a shaky breath, and he released her wrists to give her some personal space. But he was still keeping her at an icy distance. "You remember that day, after everything in Jacksonville and New York City? When we went out to that little restaurant?" He nodded. "When I first came in the door and saw you."

He looked away, frustration in his blue-green eyes. "And you didn't say anything then."

"At first, I thought I was just seeing something, a trick of the light. But then Walter told me not to tell you and he explained everything. He said he was going to tell you, but he never got the chance." She took a step closer to him. "You never gave him the chance."

"I don't even know who I am! I'm not the Peter of this side, I'm not the Peter of the other side, I'm the Peter from my- Walter's experiments!" he started yelling. Then he calmed down, waited a second to see if anyone had woken up. "That's probably the only thing we have in common – our entire lives have been changed because of the man just downstairs."

"What he did to you, he did to protect you. He saved your life. And he was going to give you back to them, but Elizabeth made him keep you here." She fudged the details a little bit, but he was listening now. "The Peter of this side died when he was seven. So Walter started watching their Walter, because you hadn't died yet, and he was still trying to synthesize a cure. Only an Observer distracted their Walter, and he didn't see that the cure had worked, he just needed to stabilize it. So our Walter made the cure and built the components necessary to create the wormhole into the other side, with the cure. He had the cure when him when he was going over! But Nina Sharpe tried to stop him and ended up busting the vial. That's why she needed her arm replaced – it wasn't cancer at all. It had gotten cut off by the wormhole in the struggle, just like David Robert Jones. He took you from that side to this side so he could give you the cure – and they willingly gave you up. _Einai kalytero anthropo apo ton patera toy. _Be a better man than your real father, who never tried to get you back."

It was quiet for a long moment. Then he whispered, "How did you remember that?"

"William Bell told me to say that to you, that I needed you as an ally. I don't remember saying it when I woke up, but I remember Bell saying it."

They just looked at each other. The truth was out now, finally. Peter had listened, he could understand now.

"Why are you even here?" Olivia asked.

He held up the little black book. "I kind of broke into your apartment to see if you were there. I really just needed to see you. But when I saw that you weren't there, I checked the lab. Eventually I just drove over here and came in through my window." He handed her the book. "I promise I won't be gone, away from you. I need you, Olivia, and I need the Fringe Division. It's the only life I've ever felt really comfortable in." A gentle smile and he gave her a little hug. It was as if he had never left. But he was leaving again, because he couldn't look at Walter's face without feeling the pain that his entire life had been a lie. Which wasn't true at all.

Then he leaned down and before she really knew what was happening, he was kissing her. A promise, a positive one, that he would be back, that he wouldn't leave again. And when she opened her eyes, he was already gone.

But somehow, she was almost okay with that.

She opened up the book and flipped through it. On the page after everything I've written so far, he had written:

"_**To a Miss Olivia Dunham. Because someone being gone is simply a state of mind."**_

* * *

_When you're lost and you've run out of road_  
_Find what I already know_  
_In the end close is all there is_  
_Oh, in the end it's me you're gonna miss_  
_Cause you won't find this_  
_Oh, you won't find this_

* * *

**...and now he's missing Olivia, and he finds the little black book." :)**


End file.
